


stand beside my own reflection

by CapriciousCrab



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anxiety, Established Relationship, Insecurity, Internal Conflict, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Self-Esteem Issues, Understanding boyfriends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-21
Updated: 2018-03-21
Packaged: 2019-04-05 06:50:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14038566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CapriciousCrab/pseuds/CapriciousCrab
Summary: The creation of individual merch has Phil stressed and anxious, for personal reasons.Excerpt-Phil leans his head against the cool glass of the window and sighs, wishing he could start this all over. Who could have known that the idea to have individual merch would have created all this stress and drama? Even more surprising is the fact that the drama comes directly from him. Phil Lester, ladies and gentlemen; the insecure mess.





	stand beside my own reflection

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to Evening42 for being my beta :)

_March_

He's alone.

 

Sitting in this car taking him to the photo shoot, he thinks about how he's screwed this up. He had told Dan he didn't want him to come, anxiety and a lingering resentment brewing into bitter pride, and now he regrets it. He's not sure how he's going to get through the day without him but it's too late for that now. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and shoots off a slightly panicky text.

/I don't think I can do this Martyn/

Martyn's quick to text him back, likely expecting a Phil-style freakout. He's no fool; he knows Phil and his anxiety-driven insecurities would try to wriggle out of today's appointment.

/it's already arranged mate, no backing out now

you'll be fine Phil. I promise/

Phil leans his head against the cool glass of the window and sighs, wishing he could start this all over. Who could have known that the idea to have individual merch would have created all this stress and drama? Even more surprising is the fact that the drama comes directly from him. Phil Lester, ladies and gentlemen; the insecure mess.

***

_ 6 months ago _

They've talked about the possibility of separate merch for years but never got around to doing anything with the idea, too busy with touring and conventions and moving. Now happily settled into the new flat, they have the time to really sit and plan, tossing out ideas and discussing 'aesthetics' until Phil is truly sick of the word. But they're finally happy with they are calling their “first wave” of products and begin to put things into motion.

It isn't until the subject of websites comes up that Phil feels a hint of apprehension. They've discussed the need for diversity in their modeling; after all, shirts and jumpers look strikingly different on a 6-foot tall man versus a 5-foot tall woman. Martyn is certain that people will be more likely to purchase something if they have an idea of how things would look on them. They kick around a few ideas and decide that they would ask Cornelia, and Martyn mentioned talking to Sarah to see how she feels about doing some modeling for them as well.

When Phil half-jokingly asked if Dan could just model Phil's merch for him, Martyn gives him a look and shakes his head.

“Sorry little brother, but you guys should wear your own stuff. Otherwise, what's the point of separate merch?”

Dan had agreed and the decision, it seemed, was made. Phil tries to argue that as long as it's modeled, it shouldn't matter who's modeling it, but Dan disagrees. 

"Be proud of the stuff you're putting out and model it, Phil. It's just a few pictures."

It's not just a few pictures, not for him, but when Dan and Martyn join forces, they often feel like the incoming tide, flowing over Phil as his voice gets smaller and smaller until it was swept away. 

So Phil gives in and agrees as nerves and resentment spring to life in his stomach. 

***

_ 4 months ago _

Dan's photo shoot is a blinding success. Phil had tagged along in the hopes that watching Dan go through the motions would settle his own growing anxiety but ended up feeling even worse. Dan is so good at taking photos, effortlessly turning and tilting his head in order to show off his best features. He's beautiful and confident and all the things that Phil isn't, basking in the attention and praise. Phil just wants to go home and hide under the duvet.

Later, when they get the edited proofs sent to them, Phil is once again struck by Dan's beauty. Hair perfectly styled, mismatched earrings, and cocky expression; he is glorious. And yet still Dan picks apart these photos that Phil thinks are so lovely until Phil has to leave the room, taking solace in a hot shower.

He spends far too long examining his face in the mirror after. He catalogs his flaws, comparing each one to Dan's perfect features. His large head, his beaky nose, the teeth he covers with his hand every time he laughs...how is he supposed to stand in front a camera knowing that people will end up comparing his photos to Dan's? It feels like one more game of Dan vs. Phil, one he knows he's going to lose.

“Phil, are you coming to bed or what? I'm going to actually fall asleep if you don't hurry the fuck up and get in here.”

Startled by Dan calling to him, he turns from the mirror and leaves the bathroom, turning out all the lights before crawling into bed. Dan doesn't notice the unusual desire for complete darkness as he covers Phil's body with his own. And if he senses that Phil seems a bit subdued, it goes unmentioned. 

*** 

_ March _

By the time he arrives at the studio that they're using for today's shoot, Phil is a sweaty, shaky mess. He very nearly tells the driver to turn around and take him home but the car door is wrenched open and there stands Martyn, with that look on his face.

“You're not leaving Phil. Now get out of the car.” He's laughing at him, the heartless bastard. “Where's Dan?”

Phil unfolds himself from the backseat, popping out of the car like some terrifyingly human Jack-in-the-box. “I asked him not to come.” He looks up at Martyn then, “I couldn't stand the thought of him watching me be even more awkward than usual.”

Martyn heaves a sigh as he guides Phil into the building, leading him to the where the hair and makeup team are waiting. “It's not a competition Phil. You know that.” Phil makes a noncommittal noise at that, not willing to get into it with Martyn and settles in the chair. It's not long before he's considered camera ready and shuffled off to change.

He's dressed and as ready as he's ever going to be, dreading every upcoming minute, when he hears the telltale click of nails on the floor and a soft 'woof' from the hall. He turns to look and sees a tiny corgi bounding towards him. He squats to pet the little ball of golden fluff and looks over at Martyn, curiosity and question in his eyes.

Martyn smiles, gentle and understanding, and tells him how Dan had arranged for the puppy to be there. “You can take pictures with him if you want but he's mostly here for you to play with between sets. Dan wants this to be fun for you, Phil.”

Phil sets the pup in his lap and looks down, hoping to hide the emotion on his face. His lip trembles a bit before he gains control, not wanting to mess up the makeup artist's work. The pup wriggles wildly in his lap, making him laugh, before setting him back on the floor and getting to his feet.

“Alright let's get this done with before I leave and kidnap this dog.” Martyn laughs and turns to leave the room, the dog at his heels. Phil stays back just long enough to send a quick text.

 /i love you so much, you know that?/

Dan's reply makes him laugh as he tucks his phone away and wanders in search of the cameras.

/i love you too now go be sexy/

***

_ Later _

He stops on the way home and buys Dan a bouquet of flowers, knowing how much he enjoys having them around the house. It's not enough to make up for being a moody prat the last few months, but it's a start. When he gets home Dan's there waiting, dinner ordered and waiting to be delivered. He smiles when Phil gives him the flowers, accepting both the peace offering and the hug Phil gives.

Phil wraps his arms around Dan's waist and looks up into his face, giving him a soft smile. “That puppy was the cutest thing in the room! I'm just letting you know that nobody's even going to be looking at the merch or me.”

“I highly doubt that. Do you not remember the reaction to your last selfie? Jesus Christ, I thought Tumblr was actually going to go down!” Dan laughs at Phil's blush, knowing that Phil had been slightly baffled at the response to his quiff and embarrassed by the calls of 'Daddy' that had followed. “Anyway, did the puppy help?”

Phil hugged him again before tipping his face up to receive the kiss Dan pressed to his mouth. “It really did. He was just so cute and fun to play with that I didn't really think about being nervous. How did you know it would help?”

“Because occasionally I understand what's going on in that head of yours.” He pulled away and moved off toward the lounge. “Now come on, we can probably get an episode of Buffy done before dinner gets here. Daddy”

“Ugh, Dan! Now **I've** just become celibate,” he said and smiled at the sound of Dan's laugh ringing through the room.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> I'm on Tumblr, stop by and say hello!  
> capriciouscrab.tumblr.com


End file.
